How To Say No: A Story About Setting Boundaries
“A no wrapped in roses is still a no ”
I’ve never been a natural at saying no. It probably comes with the territory of being a people pleaser. The mere thought of someone asking me a question and not saying yes already gives me anxiety. However, because of this, I’ve found myself in situations I didn’t necessarily have to be in—time to fix it and learn: how to say no.
A couple of days ago, I read an article about ask-and-guess culture. Basically, it’s about two types of people in our society. The first is someone that wants something and asks for it. Pretty straight forward, right? However, the second person only asks when they’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. When these two meet, now that’s where it gets interesting.
Now let’s start by saying there is no right or wrong here. However, I do think that by identifying which type you are, you can learn and create a middle ground. This way, The Asker learns to put themselves in another person’s shoes before they “just ask.” And the Guesser? well, they learn how to set boundaries.
As you’ve probably already figured out – I’m a guesser. Before I ask a question, I will go over every scenario in my head to make sure I don’t put anyone in an awkward spot. And even though I do that with the best of intentions, I recently learned that by doing so, I’m thinking for someone else. I’m also taking away their option to choose. Fast forward, I find myself frustrated because they are not following the script that I have created in my head.
If we flip this around and I’m having a conversation with something who is an Asker. I’m constantly finding myself being in fight or flight mode. I don’t want to say no because I don’t want to seem rude. I also don’t want to say no because I don’t want to feel guilty. However, the only thing that I achieve by saying yes is getting frustrated that people are crossing my boundaries. Even though I never let them know what they are in the first place.
This brings me to my main point. It all comes down to communication. If you don’t feel comfortable enough saying no flat out, there is a way around it. Try to offer a compromise instead of an excuse. For example, a friend asks you to meet up at a bar. You don’t like crowded places, so saying yes is not an option. Instead of trying to get out of it, you can ask to meet them at a coffee place. Or if a co-worker asks for your help on a project. Point them in the direction of someone who is up for the task instead of taking it on yourself. This way, you still hold on to your boundaries, but you also don’t guilt-trip yourself over saying no. Remember, some people are Askers, so they won’t feel rejected if you say no.
Setting boundaries is difficult. But the first step to overcoming this is to realize that not everyone has the same boundaries. However, people can’t know what they are if you don’t tell them. Start with something small. It will feel less like a confrontation. I can guarantee you will feel better in the end. Oh, and one more thing – don’t forget to feel proud of yourself because by doing so, you’ve mastered the first step of how to say no.
