Thirty, Flirty and Thriving
“I’m late, I’m late, for a very important date! ”
It has happened – the big 3 0, or the moment kids start calling you ma’am on Tik Tok. Either way, it’s scary. I’m not going to lie. And as I’m trying to direct my mind to see this time as a moment of new beginnings and opportunity, I catch myself going more toward the sheer blind panic of things.
Am I supposed to have figured out what I want to do with my life? Am I supposed to be on track for my dream job? Am I supposed to get married now? Am I supposed to have children? The phrase supposed to is the key factor in all of these questions. If I think about it in a rational, non-anxiety-driven way, I can persuade myself into thinking “I’m not supposed to do anything” - the whole “follow your own path” way of life if you will. However, in these moments of agonizing, sweaty flashes of anxiety, a sudden wave of fear of missing out takes over.
Growing up you always think of what you want to do when you’re older. You make up this plan in your mind, and for some reason, thirty is always the goal number. “When I’m thirty, I want to be the CEO of this, be married, have god knows how many children, and a penthouse in the city”. Little do our ten-year-old selves know, for most people, thirty is the realization you're behind on those plans.
Nowadays, the challenge we face as we live in a world of social media is that we are expected to share most of our achievements. So, in those moments, when I wake up in my Disney’s Aristocats pajama and open Linkedin, I see another person celebrating their success - another promotion, another move to a foreign country, another award. And while I’m busy comparing myself to people I may or may not know, I forget my accomplishments. Now, the only thing I hear is the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland “I’M LATE, I’M LATE.”
Growing up, I feel there’s always been a clear path to follow - choosing where and what to study is the first big decision. And then… it stops. Magically you’re supposed to know what you want to do and stick to it. So that’s what I did. Years later, I felt stuck. After years of degrees, internships in foreign countries, and more degrees, I got a job for which I worked my whole academic career. And…. I absolutely hated it.
Maybe I was incredibly naïve (please read maybe as definitely), but I grew up watching all of these shows like Sex and the City and Lipstick Jungle. I really believed that working at a fashion company would include discussing couture, Versace – trashy or trendy? and groundbreaking shows during fashion week. What I experienced in reality? People sitting behind their desks, typing emails, waiting till it was finally time to go home. Just to do it all over again the next day.
Run? Not an option. Because as you learn in school – you can’t quit because that means you have given up. So, I continued going to the same place for the next two years. I sat down at 9.00 to turn on my computer; I stood up at 9.15 to march towards the coffee machine and discuss the weather with my co-workers. Wrote some copy before lunch. After lunch, I wrote some more copy, and everyone went home when the clock hit 17.00. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with this if this is what you want or need to do. For me, it wasn’t. Only, I didn’t realize that. I thought I was supposed to be loving every moment, and since I wasn’t, that meant something was wrong with me.
So, I tried and tried and tried some more. Two years later, I found myself in a burnout. Going to therapy twice a week because I had completely lost track of who I was and what I wanted to do, and worst of all, I lost every piece of faith I had in myself and my abilities. Because as my manager would say, “You’re not special. If you’re not happy with your job, many would be happy to take it over”. And again, the worst part of this whole story – gullible as I am, I believed him.
Here we are, a couple of years later. I’d love to say that I’m happier than ever and thriving beyond belief. The truth is, I’m far from it. But once I stopped for a second and looked back at my life, I realized (here come the wise words) most of the things that I did before weren’t things I really wanted to do. I did them because I thought they were things I was supposed to do.
It’s scary not knowing if the path you’re on is the right one. But I guess no one really does... At this moment, I’m late to my plan anyway, so I might just deal with that fear and let it go. I will stop for a moment and smell the roses, as they cliché-ably say, and try to refrain from thinking that “I’m late.” Even if those sudden waves of anxiety, the fear of missing out, and Alice’s white rabbit might catch up to me sometimes.
So here it is. Yes, I’m definitely thirty and maybe a little flirty. But I am still doing my absolute daily best to be thriving.
