Beer and Dirndls: How to Wiesn
This post will be about an outsider’s guide to what I believe is the best event of the year: Oktoberfest or, as the locals like to call it: Wiesn.
’Ive gotten a lot of compliments for the past couple of weeks on my outfit during Oktoberfest. Every year I borrow a dirndl from my friends because I just can’t spend €500 on a dress that I will only wear once even though I have done that before with my prom dress, but that’s beside the point. Dirndls basically have three parts: A small tiny blouse that you put underneath your dress, the dress itself including a corset, and a little apron. For some reason, men love women in dirndls, but let me tell you the struggles women have having to wear that thing all day while drinking liters and liters of beer:
You can’t breathe since you have to buy a dirndl a size smaller than your actual size (don’t ask me why it’s called German logic)
Your lady chest is so pumped up in your face that you don’t really know what to do because, for the first time in your life, you actually have a cleavage to show (or at least in my case), so you basically get distracted every single you look down.
You get distracted by everyone else’s lady chest because at Oktoberfest they are everywhere!
Back to the corset. Because of it, you don’t have another choice but to sit straight. It’s like being at one of those family dinners where you’re mother keeps on telling you not to slouch, but you keep on trying to do it any way but she busts you every time.
The little apron thing of your dirndl contains a very important part of information. The way that you end up tying it (left side or right side) actually tells everyone at Oktoberfest if you have a boyfriend. So there is no way that you can tell that weird creepy dude in his lederhosen that you already have a boyfriend because he already saw that you didn’t.
Again, you can’t breathe, and if you want to continue drinking all that beer, it might be very important that you breathe.
Another unwritten rule at Oktoberfest that is maybe not connected to the dirndl but definitely connected to being a girl at Oktoberfest is that you need to pick up your beer with one hand. It’s a big no-no at Wiesn that you hold your beer with both hands. I don’t mean to be disrespectful and anti-feminist, but I don’t work out so I’m sorry I cannot lift a full liter of beer without my hand hurting. This is the case for the first two liters that you will drink the following ones, you are already too far gone to actually realize what you’re doing but trust me you will wake up with a hurting hand in the morning.
It sounds like I have a lot to complain about when it comes to Oktoberfest, but these points are the only bad things that you will ever hear me say. Oh, and maybe men think it’s normal to ask you to come outside with them and to have s*x or, as they like to call it, “bang” behind a tent, but I mean, this now only happened to me once out of the five times that I have been there, so I don’t think that this is a usual situation, but I always seem to have the talent to get myself into these type of situations.
To be honest, Oktoberfest is the best festival or event (not sure what you want to call it) that I have ever been to. The people are friendly; there is a Ferris Wheel and roller coasters, everyone is in a good mood, 90% of the people stick to the dress code, and the best part: you drink during the day so you can get up for work the next day without feeling like you’ve been hit by a German monster truck. It’s like being at a huge carnival for grown-ups…
..And to be fair: dirndls aren’t all that bad. If you ever get a chance to go: I 10/10 recommend it.
